Blank Canvases

I have been relishing very productive studio time these days.  And it feels good.  It doesn't feel good because it's all easy and laid-back.  (I wonder if some people think artists recline, adorned with a beret and a glass of red wine in hand, painting with ease and leisure.  Sounds nice though!)  It feels good because I am pushing through fear, frustration and self-doubt - and producing work that I am excited about.  

Last week an idea morphed from it's original state (which is not out of the ordinary for my artistic process) and after a few sketches I began to paint... I felt so restless and unsatisfied with what was unfolding in front of me.  Ugh.  Had I ruined hours of work with this morphing of ideas?  I set it aside and started with fresh eyes a few days later.  I knew something was missing... but what?  How would I say what I needed to with this piece? 

I think fearlessness looks more like determination in the face of that internal struggle rather than the total absence of fear.

Acknowledging fear but moving through it is a common theme in my life - and definitely in my art work.  Sure, it would be great to be fearless from the get-go but I think fearlessness looks more like determination in the face of that internal struggle rather than the total absence of fear.  So, I pushed aside those thoughts that like to remind me that I'll never get it right, and chose instead to take some risks.  I dyed cheesecloth in watercolour, sprayed rubbing alcohol, painted with a sea sponge and brought out a bottle of Mod Podge.  I chose to give my ideas a shot.  What's the worst thing that could happen?  (And truly... what is the worst thing that happens?... I hate it?  Well, then tear it up or burn it - if you need that kind of cathartic thing as I do - and try again!)  I have been learning that the "practice", the "failure", the "trying something new", all are stepping stones of growth.  We are way too concerned with perfection - I know I certainly am.  

All this is good for my heart - my mind - my soul.  The end product of this piece...?  I love it.  It's already framed and tucked away for February.  Today I begin with a new idea, a freshly gessoed wood panel and a plan of attack.  Sure, there's fear but I am choosing to be determined and look forward to the adventure of a new project in order to press on.  Even with a deadline I must choose exploration over the pursuit of perfection - it makes me a better artist and takes the expectation and judgement off of those blank canvases.